Janie slammed her car into park and pushed away the buzzing sensation that tickled her brain since she pulled on to her parents road. An eerie feeling sent a shudder through her brain. For years she had kept herself at a distance from her family since Alexis had went missing. She had been keeping a terrible secret from her aunt and uncle about not seeing Alexis the day she went missing. She couldn't stand to be around them because of the guilt she felt over all of her lies.
Maybe the Bible on her dash reminded her she was closer finally to finding a measure of forgiveness after all of these years. She had purchased the Bible at the mall the day after her visit to Pastor Bryan's church. She read it In her car during her lunch breaks every day since. If she could unlock the secret to God's pardon, maybe her guilt would dissolve. Maybe then everything would work out for her.
If only she could figure this out on her own, she wouldn't have to be forced to go to Pastor Bryan for help. That would be less embarrassing. She imagined him mumbling an apology for having to tell her that her violation was an exception. That he didn't know of a cleanser strong enough to scrub and polish her tarnished heart.
She didn't know if the pastor would ask for all the details before he would advise her how to handle her situation. Would she be able to trust him to not go to the police and tell them the truth? Hopefully there was a pastor-parishioner confidentiality to stop him from telling anyone her secret.
She needed to know how to obtain God's forgiveness without offering any details unless it was absolutely necessary. If all went according to her plan, she would never have to involve anyone else in her mess for the rest of her life.
Janie opened her parents front door. She took off her shoes and left them beside the doormat. "Mom? Dad? It's me."
"Is everything all right?" was the first words out of her mom's mouth. "Yeah, mom." Her dad shut off the tv as Janie and her mom took a seat on the brown leather couch. "What brings you to our neck of the woods?" It was very odd for her to just drop by, even more so when she had just been by the night before. Two visits in a row! Something had to be up.
"I was just taking a break from work while Daniel is at a meeting. I wanted to catch you and dad up on things." She filled them in on her big promotion at work and about her co-workers taking her out for a congratu-latory drink. About the big cover story she wrote on Pastor Bryan when he was arrested for the murder of a guard that was killed during a robbery. Her and Daniel's Anniversary celebration. There was so much to catch them up on. She missed these visit's with them. She would tell them what was going on in her life and they would listen and ask questions like they were truly fasnitated even before she married Dan. It had been so hard after Alexis went missing and she got married. She began to distance herself from the family. She was afraid to come around very often that she would let something slip about her involvement in the disappearance of her cousin. She missed her family.
Many thoughts were running through Janie's head. How bad would it be to spill her guts to her family about her role in Alexis's disappearance? Her secret needed to come out now. It had been hidden for to long. Her heart was about to explode. As she was contemplating opening her mouth to spew out how she had been lying to them all these years, her mother changed the subject. She felt very deflated.
Her mother began to tell her Aunt Karen said that Uncle Dave keeps coming around her house at night , drunk and searching for Alexis. Her Aunt and Uncle had divorced a few years after Alexis went missing. Aunt Karen wanted to move on, but Uncle Dave was still living in the past. Karen had asked Janie's dad, since he was Dave's brother, to keep an eye on him and bring him to their house to sober up the next time it happened. All the poking around by the detective was causing Uncle Dave to unravel. Aunt Karen had made peace with the fact Alexis was gone and would never return. Most people thought she had been kidnapped since a body had never been found. Uncle Dave was still under the impression one day she would get away from her captor and show up again at home.
As Janie had spaced out for a while her mother had continued, "Well, I for one will be glad when this case gets solved and things can settle down and go back to normal again."
Janie continued with the thoughts in her head. If Uncle David was so upset by the re-opening of Alexis case, maybe she had been right to with-hold the truth all of these years. What purpose would telling the truth now serve? She finally said she needed to go. Dan would be getting home soon.
She slowly walked out to her car and got in. She saw her Bible laying there on the dash. She needed to dedicate more time to reading the scriptures. She needed to bring it in to the house where she could read it every night before bed. As slow as she was going, there didn't seem to be any way she would be coming up with an answer for her delima very soon.
CHAPTER FIVE
This had been a very long and busy day for Janie. She printed out her article on Pastor Bryan. It was finally done and ready to go to print. It was the cover story for the May Issue of the magazine, she was editor of, and just in time! It needed to be submitted before midnight tonight.
One of her main concerns about getting her article done was that Detective O'Reilley, the lead on the robbery hadn't called her back with an update. So early this morning she had called the police station and spoke to him. It was a very good move on her part! He told her they had gotten a lead on a suspect. They had went to arrest the suspect and he had confessed. The man was likely headed to jail for the rest of his life. Case closed. The person who gave them the tip on the robbery suspect, might also have a lead on what had happened to Alexis 10 years ago. May be the police would get a two for one and close two cases at once. That part of the news really shook Janie up. Please God! Not now.
She got goosebumps up and down her arms just thinking about how her readers would eat up the closing paragraph of her article. CASE CLOSED. The story would be finished. It didn't need to be continued in the next months magazine for the ending. She felt like dancing around.
This story was her masterpiece! If she never wrote anything again for the rest of her life, she would be satisfied. This story would put her mark in the world of journalism.
She suddenly felt very light headed. Where was this feeling coming from? She shrugged her shoulders as she closed her lap top. Things were looking up for her and the detective on Alexis cases had no clue to her involvement in her cousin's disappearance. He would be gone soon. With or without a closed case. He was going back to California to start training a Cold Case squad beginning in May. After that she could breathe easier again.
Janie continued to devour as much of the Bible as she could during her lunch breaks and every night at bed time. She hadn't been able to explain to Dan why she was reading so much. She had lied to him again by telling him she was doing research on her next article. She should be ashamed of herself. She very truthfully was. She sooth her conscience by reminding herself it was for a good cause. She felt she could add this lie to the list of the others she needed to be forgiven for. Then she would ask God to forgive her for all of them at once!
What she was looking for in her studies of the Bible was instructions on how to acquire a spotless lamb to take to a Jewish priest to sacrifice on an altar for her sins. She hadn't realized yet that Jesus was the spotless lamb and had already been slain and died on the cross for all of our sins. It would be much later when she finally understands what a sacrifice God made for us in sending his only begotten son to the earth to become flesh and die on a cross for all of us taking our sins upon himself. The ultimate sacrifice.
CHAPTER SIX
Janie pushed the gas pedal toward the floor, she was in a hurry. The late night call from her mom had been very upsetting. "The detective told Aunt Karen they've identified a person of interest to arrest in connection with Alexis's disappearance. The detective told her Aunt Karen he would have someone in cuffs before the week was out. Who in the world could they be talking about?
She could feel it in her bones, the police would be coming for her soon! Why hadn't she set up an appointment to talk to Pastor Bryan, when she had the chance? Last night in desperation she had flipped through many pages of the Bible for direction, but had found nothing new that stood out to her. She needed guidance from someone to help her get out of this awful situation. She picked up her cell phone at midnight to call Pastor Bryan. On the first ring his phone had went straight to his voice mail. He had most likely turned it off and put it on the charger. Most of the time he forgot to charge it. So she had to leave him an urgent message.
In her state of panic she forgot to set her alarm to wake her up this morning. Dan had left early, so he wasn't there to wake her up. She slept two hours past her alarm. She was going to be late again. Her boss had warned her that she needed to start getting there early as an example to the people under her since her promotion. He told her if she couldn't handle it he was going to give it to someone else. She had worked so hard for it, that couldn't happen.
Swerving around a minivan, she wondered why she was even bothering to go in to work at all today. She wanted to call her boss and site a family emergence and just go home. NO! she couldn't just go home! She needed to figure out where to go and what to do. She needed to go someplace where no one would find her. She was so confused. Maybe she should head over to Pastor Bryan's office and hopefully he would be home!
Janie screeched to a halt in her parking space at work. She looked down at her watch. Oh no! Was that really the time? She sighed and crumpled up another speeding ticket and added it to her collection. This was about the third one she had gotten.
She stepped out of her car and stumbled away toward the office building. She was late for a meeting with a potential advertiser. Her boss was going to rip her to pieces. She finally made it to her office door. There was Jones pacing back and forth. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat.
Janie's boss stopped pacing and turned to her, "Williams" he said to her in a low growling voice, "where have you been? I had to put Eric in charge of your meeting, he blew it!" Janie staggered on into her office. "What on earth? Are you drunk?"
"Please, Jones, I can explain!" "Wonderful, great! Now I want you to explain this monstrosity to me?" He pulled out a May's issue of New England Weekly, from under his arm. "Open it and look at pages six and seven." He thrusted the magazine at her.
Janie's knees buckled as she opened the magazine and looked at pages six and seven. Instead of Eric's two page spread about Missing Children in New England, there was a recipe for clam chowder and the tail end of an article scheduled for a future publi-cation.
Janie couldn't believe her eyes. What had happened? "I didn't sign off on this. I couldn't have!" She was going to throw up.
"Janie, what is going on? I thought you said you could handle this position. Clearly I have made a big mistake. Jones let out a huge sign. "I have no choice but to let you go, and start interviewing for your replacement."
What? No! this couldn't be happening! She just lost her job? She opened her mouth to apologize again and try to make things right. Her boss sighed again and peered at the clock. He waited a full thirty seconds. "Janie, unfortunately an apology and an empty promise does not get you off the hook this time. I will give you an hour to pack up your things and leave." Janie starred at him and the tears rolled down her face. "I'm sorry, truly I am." He slipped out of her office and closed the door.
She dropped her purse on the floor. Her cell phone rang, but she ignored it. How had this happened? Was this for real? What was she going to do? A text notification chimed on her phone. She slowly bent down to get it out of her purse and see who it was from. It was from her sister Jackie. Uncle David had a heart attack. The family was all at the hospital. The end of the text read "CALL ME!"
*****
Janie rushed into the waiting room of the hospital. Dan stood up and hurried over to her. He took her shoulders into his hands to steady her. She ducked her head down. She couldn't meet him in the eye. " I came as soon as I heard." He hugged her to him. Dan whispered in her ear, "Everyone is in his room, do you want to go in there?" She slowly shook her head and let him guide her down the hall to Uncle David's room.
As her and Daniel entered the room her mom Judy stood and crossed the room and talked in a whisper, "He's going to be okay. It wasn't a heart attack. They said he had a panic attack. It was probably caused from all the stress he has been under over the re-opening of Alexis's case. That was all he has been talking about. This has been so hard on him."
"I'm glad he's going to be okay." Janie began to shake and thoughts began running through her head. She stood there in a daze. He had a broken heart that would never mend. He would never be okay without closure. Or without knowing what had happened to his only daughter. His imagination was still running away with him imagining she was being held against her will.
Keeping quiet all these years had been a mistake. A very big mistake. She could see that now. She was causing him all this pain. Any one could see it clearly in his eyes. He was a father being tortured and just needed to know his little girl was a victim, but was trying to get free and come back home. Janie couldn't stay in his room for another minute. She looked down at her phone and acted as if she had gotten a message. She turned to Dan, "I need to go out in the hall and take this." Before he could stop her she slipped out.
She was a monster! She had been torturing her family all these years by withholding what she knew about that day of her cousin's disappearance. She needed to fix this. She needed to come clean. It was the only way she could make it all go away. Not daring to enter Uncle Dave's room again, she text Dan and told her she had to go. She would meet him at home. Then she ran for all she was worth and ran down the stairs and to her car.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Janie rushed to her car but sat there for a long time. She had plunked her head down on top of her Bible. She knew for sure her mom was furious with her for just popping in for a few minutes in Uncle Dave's room at the hospital. She couldn't help it. There was no way she could stay in there a minute longer. Jackie kept texting her with updates, but she couldn't read them through her tears, so she had ignored them.
"Please, God," she bowed her head and sobbed. "if you can hear me...I need answers now!" She kept her eyes closed as she softly prayed. If she could just get God's forgiveness maybe she could figure out how to put the bits and pieces of her life back to-gether and ease her mind and give her peace from pain just like Pastor Bryan had, then maybe she could share her secret with her family! Maybe then her uncle would be able to move on.
She turned her key, put her car in drive and rushed home. She slammed the car door and rushed into the house and into the kitchen to get a drink. She gulped the first glas down and was now standing at her kitchen sink refilling her glass with more water. She stood there watching the water flow out of the faucet. She refused this time to push her memories away. As the water continued to flow, she let her mind replay that awful day from ten years ago...
It was the last day of June and it had been a muggy Sunday. Janie had the day off from her job and her high school friends had plans to go to the beach and spend the day and wanted her to join them. She was all excited about going. As she ran out of the house to join them, Alexis showed up in the driveway and asked if she could tag along.
"Absolutely NOT! I am not going to let my little cousin ruin this day for me, Go home!" "Please, Janie? Mom and dad aren't around and I'm home by myself with nothing to do." Alexis continued to beg her. She grabbed hold of Janie's arm. If only Janie hadn't listened to her and had made Alexis stay home where she was suppose to be, she wouldn't have went missing.
"They won't care since you are an adult now. It's okay if I go somewhere with an adult. Please! please! I'm begging you." Alexis wouldn't let go of her arm. Of course she finally gave in. She reasoned with herself, how much trouble could a twelve hear old girl get into at the park? That was a very big mistake and one she had been living with for over 10 years.
There was no way she was going to let her little cousin ruin this day for her. They made a deal. She would ride with Janie in her car and she would drop her off at the entrance to the park. Janie told Alexis not to let Janie's friends know she had let her little cousin tag along. "I don't want to see you all day. Do not let my friends know you are there." She told her they would meet back at the entrance when it closed, and she would pick her up and drive her home. That way no one would be the wiser.
Janie had the time of her life! She got to be with Bobby Morrison, the guy of her dreams. Some one had brought some beer and she got wasted. Her friends couldn't send her home like that! What should they do? She was in no condition to drive. They needed to make a plan.
They told Bobby to take her to his house to sleep it off. When she woke up and was sober she could drive home. One of them drove her car to Bobby's house. He put her on the couch to sleep. Janie forgot all about leaving Alexis at the entrance of the park and was suppose to go back and pick her up and take her home. She woke up the next morning sober and was able to drive home.
When she arrived home both house holds were in an uproar. "What is going on? Why is everyone so upset?" Her mom came toward her in tears. "Alexis is missing! When Dave and Karen got home, she wasn't there! She was suppose to stay home until they returned. There is no sign of her and she didn't leave a note."
Janie's eyes widened when her mother told her what was going on. OH! NO! She had forgotten to pick Alexis's up the afternoon be- fore. She grabbed her keys and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?" her mom yelled, "You just got home!"
"I cannot just sit here and do nothing. I am going to search for Alexis." She flew out the door and straight to her car. She started up the engine and went barreling toward the beach. The tears streamed down her face and making it hard for her to see. She arrived at the gates of the park and rushed in. She kept looking around hoping to see Alexis still sitting on a bench somewhere waiting for her. No one was around! Where could Alexis be? Why had she gotten drunk and forgot all about picking her cousin up? She continued searching up and down every path hoping to see Alexis sitting on a bench still waiting, but she didn't see her anywhere. She had been missing all night, where could she be! The tears continued to flow. She kept wiping her eyes to clear them so she wouldn't miss any clues.
She had been searching for hours. It was getting dark. This would be the second night Alexis was out in the dark. There wasn't very much daylight left to see and continue to look. Just as she was about ready to head home, she went down the last path. She saw something shiny in the dirt. What is that? She bent down to see and truly lost it! Her tears flowed even harder. It was Alexis's bracelet. She swiped the dirt off of it as she picked it up. She rubbed more dirt off and put the bracelet in her pocket. Everyone of the girls in the family got the exact same bracelet on their 10th birthday from their grandma. She had one and so did both of her sisters. Maybe Uncle Dave was right? Maybe Alexis had been kidnapped. She rushed back to her car and headed home.
When she got back to the house that night, she rushed to her grandmother's flower garden and buried the bracelet among the flowers. No one would ever find it. She then slowly walked up the garden path and entered the house. Her parents were furious with her. She had been gone for hours and came back without Alexis and no leads to the whereabouts of her cousin. A police woman was there to question everyone what happened that day and where each one of them was. She was only trying to piece together where Alexis had been that day and what she was doing. At that time no one suspected her involvement in her cousin's disappearance then, later or since.
******
As she stood at her kitchen sink watching the water flow into her empty glass, her memories began to fade. Then a thought popped into her head and she recalled what Pastor Bryan had said in church that day, "No sin is to black for God to forgive and erase."
She turned off the water and sat her glass down on the counter top. She began to sob and fell to her knees in her kitchen floor. "I'm so sorry God, I didn't plan for any of those things happen to Alexis. It was an accident! But it is all my fault. Please, God, forgive me! I need you to take my sins away. Do I just ask Jesus into my heart or do I have to have a lamb to sacrifice for a my sins? I don't know what to do!" Her lips closed as her tears continued to fall.
All of a sudden her tears dried up and her mind cleared. Her eyes widened, "Yes Lord, that is the connection. Jesus is the Lamb!
I get it now! Jesus took my place and was my substitute on the cross and died for my sins too. Praise God! I can be clean. I can be forgiven for leaving Alexis and forgetting to take care of her. I'll be okay if I go to prison and my family never speaks to me again, or if I never get another job." She pauses, "But I won't be okay if I don't ask you to forgive me right now! Please, I want Jesus to come and dwell in my heart. I have nothing to offer of myself, please accept Jesus as my lamb. Please let that be enough."
Janie opened her eyes and lifted her head up to the ceiling. She felt the burden of guilt lift from her heart that she had been carrying around for the last 12 years. Her heart brimmed with joy and peace. She was clean! She had been forgiven!
The first step in coming clean was for her to go down to the police station and turn herself in. No! wait a minute, she paused in thought, no she needed to come clean with her family first. It was going to be really hard taking back all her lies. The first step would be the hardest thing she had ever done. She needed to get some good advice from someone whom she could trust. There was no time to waste. She had already set up an appointment with the best person for her to get good advice from. Hopefully he wouldn't turn her in to the police before she was able to come clean with her family.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Janie turned the corner and pulled into the parking lot of Pastor Bryan's church parking lot. It was way to early for her appointment with him, but her nerves would not let her just sit at home doing nothing. She had already clean the house three times trying to figure out how to first tell Dan, she was no longer employed, and come clean with him about her roll in Alexis disappearance.
So far a body had never been found, but after all these years not finding a body and Alexis not returning home, Janie had the sinking feeling in her gut that Alexis was dead. So did Aunt Karen and the rest of the family. Uncle Dave was the only one still hoping one day she would get free of her kidnapper and come home. She clutched her middle and thought about how much pain and heartache she was causing her uncle. She was a monster.
What would her husband think of her once he knew the truth? She hoped when the truth came out it wouldn't rip open open old wounds in their marriage. Maybe it would be a mistake to come clean. She had kept her secret to herself all these years. What could it hurt to keep it the rest of her life? No, God had forgiven her for all her sins. She needed to ask their forgiveness and show her family how they can have forgiveness and peace she now possessed.
As she sat their in her car lost in thought, she heard a knock on her window and turned toward it. Pastor Bryan smiled and motioned her out. It was to late to escape. She took her keys out of the ignition and pushed open her door. "Hi, Janie, I was surprised to get your message. You are early, but let's go into my office where we can talk privately."
He led the way inside the lobby of the church. A young man was there, who she had never seen before. He was sitting there strumming an old guitar. Pastor Bryan introduced him to Janie, "This is my music director Malachi. He is practicing on the guitar I gave him that was my dad's. It sure has seen better days."
She hoped the young man wouldn't over hear anything she talked to the Pastor about. Her hand shook a little as she stuck it out to shake his hand and told him it was nice to meet him. Pastor Bryan then led the way into his small office just off the lobby. He waved her in, "Why don't you have a seat." She plopped down in one of the chairs facing his desk and began fidgeting and playing with her fingers. He sat down in his desk chair and adjusted it to a comfortable position facing Janie.
As he opened his mouth to ask her how she had been, Janie opened her mouth at the same time and burst out with, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"I am guessing you haven't been doing so good?" She shook her head slowly and proceeded to tell him about her awful day. She told him she had gotten fired from her job and was worried her ex-boss wouldn't print her article she had worked so hard on. She told him it It had taken her longer to submit it than it should have, because she had a lot of distractions from personal matters that she had to take quite a lot of time off to deal with. Pastor Bryan frowned and asked, "What distractions?"
She took a big breath as her extremities tingled and her vision blurred. "My twelve year old cousin Alexis went missing about ten years ago, when I had just turned eighteen. The case had went cold with no new leads and a body has never been found. A new Detective is on the case and the local police department is using the cold case for training. The Detective on the case has been poking around and asking a lot of questions about the day of her disappearance and stirring up old wounds. He just informed my Uncle Dave and Aunt Karen, Alexis's parents, that he was about to make an arrest soon."
The pastor leaned back in his chair and said, "That's encouraging, isn't it?" Then he caught her wincing.
"It would be, yes," she steeled herself and continued, "If the guilty party wasn't me!" Her eyes filled with tears.
His eyebrows knitted together, "I'm so sorry, Janie, what can I do to help?"
"I'm not exactly sure. Maybe pray with me? I became a Christian on Saturday! At least I think I did." She pressed her finger tips to her temples. "I know Jesus died as a sacrifice for the whole world's sins. I asked him to atone for mine. I've been reading the Bible, the Old Testament mostly, and it hit me, I needed to ask him to forgive me of my sins. But I thought I needed a lamb as a sacrifice to offer." She stood up from her chair and started pacing behind it. "I am not making sense."
Pastor Bryan laughed and said, "Yes, you are. I am a pastor, remember? Go on."
She gripped the back of her chair, "Well, I've been lying to my family for years. I lied to the police a long time ago, a little lie, to keep me out of trouble. I was asked if I had seen my cousin the day she disappeared. I told them I hadn't. I lied to my family and I lied to the police. I did see my cousin that day. Does God really expect me to tell the truth, now? It will probably rip my family apart! I want to tell my family first and then go to the police. I want to come clean. I could go to prison for not being honest and withholding evidence. Do I really need to incriminate myself to make this right?" Her shoulders trembled as she silently cried.
He got up from his chair, came to her side and laid his hand on her shoulder, "I wish I could make all of this go away, but I think you know the answer to your delima, or you wouldn't be here asking me."
She hung her head, "It's so hard to do the right thing."
"I know, believe me, I do know. Many times the right thing to do is also the hardest. That doesn't mean we can leave it undone." He sat down again and motioned for her to sit. "You aren't the first one to mess up this bad and you won't be the last. I have messed up twice with my son. I wish I knew how to make it up to him. I can't do this for you. I will pray that the police shows some leniency. I'll come with you when you tell your family, if you want me to, for moral support." His eyes took on a troubled look, and she saw her own pain reflected there.
She brushed away her tears and with a flick of her wrist said, "I think I need to do this on my own, but thanks. I want to ask you a big favor though, please don't call the police before I turn myself in."
He frowned, but agreed. "Let's pray together for courage, grace, and for God's will in your life." He reached across the desk and took her hands in his as he prayed for her. After he concluded his prayer, Janie thanked him, left his office and waved to Malachi on her way out.
It was time to tell her family the truth. She need to come clean. Maybe she would wait three years until the statute of limitations ran out before coming clean with the police. That would give her a clear conscience without getting in trouble with the law. Her family would know the truth, and Uncle Dave and Aunt Karen would have closure. Detective Shaw didn't need to solve another case today!
First things first. She needed to come clean with Daniel. He needed to know today. There shouldn't be any secrets between them. She just prayed he would forgive her for keeping such a big secret all these years. If he didn't it would put a bigger gulf between them that could lead to the end of their marriage.
As Janie entered her house her knees were trembling so bad and she was so weak she could hardly stand much less walk. She continued talking to God and praying Dan would forgive her. What if he said he couldn't ever trust her again? Not much she could do about it right now. She needed to find him and confess.
She started calling to him, "Dan, where are you? Can you come to the kitchen? I need to talk to you about something." He called back, "Yes, I am coming."
Janie sat down at the table to wait. Dan was upstairs so it would take a little bit for him to get to the kitchen. She probably should just come right out with it. No senses in hem hawing around. Dan came quickly down the stairs and saw her red swollen eyes. She looked very upset. What could have happened?
A puzzled look crossed his face, "What's wrong? What happened?"
"I need to tell you something that I should have years ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to come clean. I never should have kept such a big secret from you." Dan froze in place. "Please sit down, right here by me. It is about my cousin Alexis and the day she went missing. As you know that Detective from New York has taken up her case and is trying to solve it and give her parents closure."
As Dan sat down in the chair next to Janie, his eyebrows lifted. "Did they find her? Is she coming home? That would be wonderful news, but I truly don't believe that is what happened. Especially seeing your eyes all red and swollen."
"No! I don't know! Not yet, but you need to know I had a hand in her disappearing." Janie began to shake all over. Her throat felt so dry she could hardly swallow. "I know why she wasn't at home that day, where she was suppose to be. She should have been Safely back home before Uncle Dave and Aunt Karen returned. She was with me and it would have been fine for her to be out someplace with an adult. I had just turned 18 and even before that, they let her go lots of places with me. They trusted me." Dan took her hands in his and continued as he continued to listen.
"Something terrible happened that day and into the night. I am so afraid you will be so deeply hurt by me keeping this from you all these years that you won't ever speak to me again! We are just now slowly getting our marriage back on track and I don't want what I am about to tell you to change the way you feel about me and the way you look at me." She continued to shake and slowly pulled her hands out of his. She reached up and twisted a strand of her hair around her finger. She blew out a long breath and tried to organize her thoughts. Dan's brow wrinkled, but he didn't say anything.
She clamped her eyes shut and tried to open her mouth again to speak, but nothing came out. She pressed through the numbness she felt throughout all of her body. "I took Alexis with me to Rock Port Beach. I was so excited about having a day off from work and my friends were headed to the beach for a day in the sun and they wanted me to go with them." She opened her eyes just in time to see Dan's mouth gape open. "My friends had already headed to the beach and I was rushing to my car to follow them, when Alexis showed up in our driveway. She was out of breath and asked if she could go with me. She had nothing to do and was bored and lonely. She didn't want to be stuck home all day by herself."
"At first I told her no and to leave me and my friends alone. I didn't want her tagging along. I told her she was to young and not cool enough to hang out with me and my friends." Dan continued to to say nothing but continued to stare into space. That made her feel very uncomfortable.
"She continued to beg me to let her go. She promised if I would take her, she would leave us alone and would keep out of site the whole day. She kept begging until I gave in. I told her I would drop her off at the entrance to the park but I didn't want to see her face anywhere all day. And I especially didn't want my friends to see her either. I planned to pick her up at the end of the day back at the entrance of the park and drive her home. She would be home well before her parents returned."
"I dropped her off and then forgot all about her. I had a wonderful day. I spent several hours with my friends. Someone brought some beer and I got totally wasted. I got to spend the day with a very popular guy that I had a big crush on. When it was time to go home, I was so drunk I couldn't stand up straight. My friends knew I couldn't drive home and they needed to get me sobered up before I could drive home. I was out all night.!" She had been looking down, while telling her story. She glanced up at Dan to find him still staring into space.
"The guy I had been with all day drove me to his house to sober up. I conked out on his couch and didn't wake up until the next morning. I had definitely missed my curfew. I woke up and headed home."
She glanced at Dan again. She figured that by now he would have said something or made some kind of noise. He was way too quiet. She couldn't decide if she should continue or wait a little bit to see if he said anything. "I jumped into my car and headed home, completely clueless that Alexis was missing and that everyone had been out looking for her all night."
"When I got home and found out Alexis had been missing, I was to scared to say anything. All I could think about was how much trouble I would be in if I came clean and told them I was to partly to blame for her disappearing. I felt it was all my fault. I shouldn't have gotten drunk and forgotten to go pick her up and take her home. What kind of person was I? My aunt and uncle trusted me to keep her safe and she trusted me to keep my word and pick her up at the end of the day. What should I do? I jumped into my car and headed to the beach to look for her myself. I looked all around and up and down every path and found no trace of her. By this time I was so scared thinking about what might have happened to her. Did someone kidnapped her as Uncle Dan still believed? All I found was her bracelet. The one that matches mine and my sisters. My flash-light glanced off of something shiny in the dirt. It was her bracelet. I dug it up and put it in my pocket and headed back home."
Dan's eyes finally began to soften. He no longer looked dazed as he had in the beginning. Maybe there was hope after all. So she continued her story. "As soon as I got home that morning I rushed to the back yard and buried her bracelet in my grandma's flower garden. I knew no one would ever find it there, or I hoped they wouldn't."
She rubbed her eyes, "I am afraid she climbed up to high on the rocks and fell into the water and drowned and I wasn't there to save her. What kind of a person gets drunk and leaves a twelve year old alone at the beach and forgets to pick her up?" Janie paused and glanced at Dan again, waiting for him to explode.
What happened next surprised Janie. Instead of blowing up at her, he got up from his chair and knelt down in front of her and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "I can't believe you have kept this secret all these years. Why didn't you tell me? I would never turn away from you. Yes, it was a big mistake, but you were only 18. Teen-
agers do stupid things. You should have trusted me with your secret. I wouldn't have ever turned you in. I just don't see how you could look me in the eyes and keep saying you hadn't seen Alexis that day."
Janie's eyes filled with tears again as his words washed over her, "I've made a lot of mistakes trying to cover up one big mistake. I'm really sorry Dan, for not telling you all of this from the beginning. Please forgive me!"
"I had no idea you were dealing with something like this." He stood up and pulled Janie out of her chair and into his arms. "You can't keep hiding stuff like this from me. Not ever again! We need to be open and honest with each other always. Okay? No more secrets!"
"No more secrets between us ever again!" It felt so good to say that to Dan and mean it.
"Are you hiding anything else from me?" With her cheeks on fire, she said, "I got fired from my job yesterday." Dan squeezed her harder. "What? You got fired?" She slowly shook her head. "I am so very sorry, Honey!"
"I deserved it. Ever since that Detective opened back up Alexis case, keeping this secret all these years has really gotten to me. I tried to bury it, but occasionally it would cross my mind. I have been reading my bible and attending church the past few weeks. That made me realize I didn't need to keep covering it up----I needed forgiveness."
"Church?" He dropped his arms from around her and stepped away, looking her in the eye, "I have been married to you for ten years. I thought I knew you, but I have no idea who you really are. I probably never have." He looked so hurt, it broke Janie's heart.
"I am so sorry you feel so hurt and don't feel you know me. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. I have been trying so hard to change and show you that I do still care. I promise from now on I will be more open about things and my feelings."
Dan stepped closer to her again and touched his forehead to her's. "You better be. Seriously, Janie. You can trust me with anything, but I can't do this if you lie to me. Our marriage needs to be based and built on trust. I can't build that trust alone. You need to be trustworthy also, okay?" She nodded her head and he let her go. "What are you going to do next?"
It felt like a rock had dropped into the pit of her stomach. "I have to come clean. First to the police and then to my family. Uncle Dave and Aunt Karen deserves to know I took Alexis to the beach. Keeping that information all these years has been killing me."
Dan took her hands into his and began rubbing her fingers. "This isn't going to go over very big with them, right?"
"I know, but I need to come clean with them today. I can't put it off any more. It needs to be done before I change my mind." She squeezed his fingers back.
Dan pulled her close and hugged her to him. "You don't have to do go alone. I will go with you."
Her heart beat a little faster because of Dan offering to go with her. She stepped back from him a little and looked into his eyes, "I would love for you to go with me. I don't think I can come clean on my own." She picked up her keys and headed out the door with him right behind her.
CHAPTER TEN
As she sped to her parents house, all was quiet in the car. Dan and her didn't say a word to each other. They were both lost in their own thoughts. As she She drove up the drive, she was relieved to see they weren't at home. What a relief! She looked around and unearthed her dad's metal detector. With Dan's help they went to the flower garden and started searching for Alexis's bracelet. When they located it, she dug it up with her mom's garden spade. She had brought a baggie to put the bracelet in and stuffed it in her pocket. She didn't want the bracelet to burn a hole in her pocket during the visit to her Uncle and Aunt.
They got back into the car and drove to Aunt Karen's. As she and Dan walked up to the door, she started quivering, and her throat was so dry. She rubbed her throat and Dan squeezed her shoulder. "Try not to be so afraid, I am sure they will understand."
She sure hoped so. She knocked on the door and it quickly opened, but it wasn't Aunt Karen at the door. It was her mom. "I didn't know you were stopping by too. Oh, and look Dan is with you."
Her mom opened the door wider to let them in. "Come on in, your Aunt Karen and Uncle Dave are in the kitchen." Judy led the way.
Janie smiled weakly at her dad, then her aunt and uncle. She wasn't prepared to tell all four of them at once, but she wouldn't have to repeat it twice this way. She was so out of breath and wondering if she had enough breath to get through her telling them her story. She kept taking short and quick gasps of air trying to think of how to start explaining. Was she going to faint before she even got started?
"Janie, Dan, what a pleasant surprise! I didn't know you were coming over to join us." Aunt Karen scooted two more chairs up to the table. "What brings you out here on a weeknight? Did you come to check on your Uncle Dave? Didn't your mom tell you Uncle Dave's heart is just fine?"
Janie shrugged her shoulders and slowly sat down. "I...well...I just need...I wanted..." Dan took her hand to let her know he was there for support. She inhaled a big breath, "I need to tell you something, you and Uncle Dave. Actually all of you. It's about Alexis and the day she went missing. It's something I should have told you from the beginning." Her palms began to sweat and she began to shake.
She heard a door creak open from the hall way. It was the bathroom door. Detective Shaw stepped into the hallway. He whipped out his pen and notebook from his pocket. "Let's hear it!"
"Uh, we can come back another time." Dan's grip tightened on her hand. "We didn't know you had company."
Before her and Dan could move, the detective pulled up a chair and settled into it with his pen and paper ready to write everything down. "Mrs. Williams, I need for you to come out with what you were going to say, right now!" She could tell by his tone of voice he wasn't fooling around. She thought about refusing to say anything with him there. If she refused to reply would she be in even more trouble? What should she do?
Her brain felt waterlogged. She softly squeaked out a couple of sentences, "I did see Alexis that morning. She begged me to take her to the beach with me." Janie's dad and Uncle Dave both jumped up out of their chairs. Her mom Judy put her hand across her mouth and Aunt Karen's eyes grew wide.
As her dad came over to her he said, "You What? Alexis was with you?"
"I am so so very sorry, I didn't tell you then." A tear rolled down her cheek. "I should have never lied and said I hadn't seen her. I was so very wrong but..." She drew the baggie from her pocket that had Alexis's bracelet in it and placed it in the middle of the table. "That morning when I came home it hit me that I was supposed to pick her up at the end of day at the entrance to the park. I rushed back to my car and went looking for her all day. It was dark before I found any trace of her. This is all that I found." her tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
Karen snatched the baggie from the middle of the table and yanked the bracelet out. She turned it around and around in her hands closely examining it. "It's hers, it's Alexis's. Look here. Right here. There are her initials." Karen kept running her fingers over the initials on the inside of the bracelet.
With all her energy spent, Janie fell back into her chair. "I found the bracelet along one the paths to the beach, but there was no sign of her. I was hoping I would find her still waiting for me to pick her up." She took another shaky breath. "I think maybe she climbed up on the rocky cliff by the water and lost her footing. I should have kept her with me and protected her instead of telling her to leave me and my friends alone." She glanced into her mom's red rimmed eyes. "I was drunk. Someone brought some beer and I drank to much. My friends knew I was to drunk to drive home and they didn't know I had brought Alexis with me. They had Bobby take me to his house to sober up before driving home. I crashed on his couch all night. I didn't remember I had taken Alexis to the beach. I didn't realize she had been missing all night and all of you thought she had been kidnapped from home." She continued to look around the room at her parents and aunt and uncle.
Shock was splashed across their faces. Uncle Dave looked horrified and then realized what Janie's story implied. Alexis was never coming home. "She's gone," slipped from his lips, "she is never coming home!" He put his hands over his eyes and sobed.
In her head Janie called herself names. I am a monster. I am a very terrible person. She should apologize to Uncle Dave if she felt she had the right to even address him. She slowly shook her head. It wouldn't do any good now. They all couldn't believe what she had just told them. She could see all the pain she had caused in their eyes. She needed to brace herself and be strong so she could deal with whatever happened next.
"How could you keep this from us all these years?" her mother yelled at her. "Is this the reason you stopped coming around the family much the past ten years? Because you were hiding this terrible little secret because you were afraid to come clean?" Janie starred back at her mom opening and closing her mouth but there was nothing more to say. There was nothing more she could add now that would make things any easier for any of them.
"You need to come with me, Mrs. Williams, down to the station. You need to make a formal statement and sign it." Detective Shaw said firmly as he reached toward Aunt Karen and took Alexis's bracelet out of her hands. "I am sorry ma'am, but that might be considered evidence and it might need to be logged in." Aunt Karen slowly released the bracelet.
As the detective turned to leave, Judy's facial expression turned from anger to concern. "Is she under arrest?" "Not yet," the detective said. "She just needs to come down to the station and make a formal statement."
"I'll drive her down to the station if that is okay with you, detective?" Dan stepped between him and Janie. He wanted to be there for her so she wouldn't have to deal with this alone.
Detective Shaw bobbed his head in agreement. Janie rose from her chair and took one last look at her loved ones. She felt like her body was shattering into a thousand pieces. She ducked her head in shame and followed her husband and the detective out the door.
*****
Down at the station Janie and Dan sat in front of his desk wait-ing as Detective Shaw typed out Janie's statement. The cramped office became deathly quiet. No one said a word. Janie and Dan were waiting to see what would happen next.
Janie couldn't stand the silence any more. The suspense was eating her alive. She cleared her throat, "I am sorry I wasn't forth- coming with this information sooner. I was to afraid to come clean at the time. I have kept what I knew to myself all these years. I have never told anyone. I didn't see the need to come clean and stir things up again once her case went cold."
Detective Shaw continued typing, making no comment. She got up from her chair and wiped the perspiration from her face. "I am in big trouble, aren't I?"
He continued to type and was concentrating so hard he almost didn't realize Janie had spoken to him. He snapped out of it. "Trouble? Well, that depends on how much help your information will be to the case. I don't think you would last very long in Jail. So keep that in mind."
Janie leaned against the door frame, as her muscles loosened she felt she might keel over. Dan's shoulders were rigid and his fingers were clenched into fists. He looked so defeated. They both knew he couldn't do anything to protect her from the consequences of her actions.
The detective continued typing unaware or indifferent to Janie's state of mind. "If Alexis was at Rock Point Beach that afternoon..." he was scrolling through the information about the case..."Yes! there it is."
"Come over here and see the information that is up on the screen." He beckoned them over to his computer. "The Medical Examiner found a Jane Doe body five feet tall. The body was pulled out of the water bya lobster boat two months after Alexis went missing. The body, to put it bluntly, was so damaged by marine life to be identified."
"The body found by the lobster boat and Alexis missing persons case never seemed to be connected, mainly because this body was so far out from the search parameters for Alexis. She was reported missing from her home and thought to be on foot without any signs of being kidnapped." The detective began to hum a tune. He was now in a very pleasant mood. "Let me make a phone call to the Medical Examiner, who signed the form for this body. There is a note on the file to contact him with any developments in the case. I think he still works as an examiner."
Dan took Janie's hand into his and kept it there as they
waited for the detective to make the phone call. He punched in the number and talked to the examiner. He didn't give much away in his voice or his facial expressions. After hanging up the phone, he leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers together behind his head.
"I should be able to get a court order to exhume Jane Doe's body. We can then do a DNA match on it. Ten years ago they didn't do DNA testing so there was nothing cataloged. All I need for a DNA match is to get a sample of your blood for DNA, Janie."
"Mine?" Janie squeaked. Why did he need a sample of her DNA?
The detective sat straight up in his chair. "Yes, your DNA. You and Alexis's dads are brothers and your mothers are sisters. Your DNA should match hers at a higher rate than normal cousins because you are double cousins. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up if this lead goes nowhere. Wouldn't you want a chance to redeem yourself? If this pans out, your information and DNA test should solve both cases."
"I won't press any charges against you, Janie. Even though I am usually a stickler for the rules, I am more concerned with finding out the truth about Alexis and give your family the answers of what happened to her and give them closure."
What had he just said? Had she heard him right? "Thank you!" she gushed and her body began to relax. Every muscle in her body had been wound up so tight she hurt all over. Ever since the first time she had seen him that evening.
"Don't think just because I'm being lenient, you fooled me for one second. I knew you were involved and was hiding something since the beginning. I knew you would crack eventually. I had your aunt tell everyone I'd be making an arrest soon. That always stirs things up."
Her mouth dropped open and she felt insulted. Detective Shaw's face looked as if he was trying not to laugh. Janie dropped back down into her chair. Her face was red and her arm hairs were standing on end. How could she have been such an idiot?
"How long will it take to exhume the body and do the DNA test? And how long before we know the test results?" Dan asked. He was trying to give Janie time to compose herself. Janie shot him a grateful look.
"Unfortunately, it will take a while. The body will need to be exhumed and brought to the morgue. The lab will do the test but it will take about a week for it to be processed. That is if we are lucky. The lab is fully booked right now, but they usually give the hot cases priority. I also have to inform your aunt and uncle what my findings are and that the Jane Doe we plan to exhume could be Alexis and that we are running a DNA test on the body to see if it is a match. "I will let them know the results. I am sure they could use some good news."
He turned to Janie. "If this ends up a dead in, I might get annoyed enough to arrest you for obstruction of justice after all. So you better pray this pans out." Janie couldn't meet his eyes. She gulped and looked down and studied her shoes.
Detective Shaw sent her to the lab and they swabbed her cheek and turned in her swab for testing. She took Dan's hand as they left the lab. She hoped her cooperation would bring closure for her family once and for all.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Janie's sisters Jen and Jackie and her brother George had been filled in about the case and the information Janie had kept secret. Three days ago she finally got up the nerve to call them and come clean about everything. Now none of them would look her in the eye. When they were together in the same room, they would look every place else but at her.
The family was all gathered over at her mom and dad's house. Janie couldn't sit still. Right before she got up to pace the living room, Dan placed his hand on her knee. Even though that was comforting, she couldn't shake the restless feeling. Her mom entered the room with an overloaded tray of cookies. When Judy was stressed out she baked.
"Aunt Karen and Uncle Dave will be over any minute." What? This was news to Janie was it news to her siblings also? This must be why they had all been invited to their parent's house, there was news.
A thought came to Janie, maybe the DNA tests were in? They would know if the Jane Doe body found was Alexis's. It would be such a relief to finally have closure and the case of Alexis's disappearance solved. It would be a relief to finally know she would never be coming home, but also that someone didn't have her and was torturing her. Maybe she could finally sleep at night, instead of tossing and turning, waiting for the phone to ring with the news.
Judy placed the cookies on the coffee table as their dad Darrell cleared his throat. Judy looked out the window. "Here they are." She went to the door to let them in. They were holding and hands and had their heads together as they came up the walk. The news must be good. Or was it devastating to cause them to show affection to each other?
As they came into the living room Uncle David's face looked like a mask. Aunt Karen joined him, hiding her emotions also. "Good Evening, everyone. Judy, thanks for inviting everyone over to hear the news."
Uncle Dave began to speak, "We heard from the detective today." It was hard for him to speak. Aunt Karen took over to tell the news. "The body they found is Alexis's." Jackie jumped up from the couch and flung her arms around her aunt and hugged her. Jen leaned into her husband. Judy and Darrell stood motionless with their eyes wide opened. Everyone was stunned by the news. Finally they had a body to bury. It would be closure for them after all these years.
Janie had been holding her breath, but now was slowly letting it out. She watched Uncle Dave sob. Her heart was breaking all over again. She had caused all this pain by her inexcusable actions and the secret she had known about Alexis and the day she went missing. She remained standing very still. She didn't know what to say.
"It's okay. It's okay. At least now we know that she isn't suffering." She was patting Uncle Dave's arm as he wiped away his tears on his shirt sleeve. "We know she isn't alone or scared. We know she didn't suffer. The Medical Examiner said the impact from her fall, broke her neck and she was killed instantly. She probably felt no pain. At least now we know the truth about her disappearance and where she has been all these years."
Aunt Karen continued to stroke uncle Dave's arm as he nodded. "It's such a relief to know what happened that day. We no longer have to wonder." She then stiffened and turned toward Janie. "But still, what you did that day and kept from us about that day, was wrong. You were very selfish and it really hurt us. But what hurt even more was you not saying anything and covering up your mistakes. Actually what you did will hurt us for the rest of our lives."
Janie was in shock! So they did hate her! She bit her lower lip. They should hate her and she didn't blame them. She deserved it. No more hiding what she knew. She would accept their pain and bitterness. It was better she finally did the right thing. She had God's forgiveness which was most important, that was all that mattered.
Aunt Karen wasn't finished yet. "With that being said, I want to thank you for being brave enough to finally come forward with what you knew. It helped the detective close two cases. You have given us a gift. It doesn't make up for your bad decisions. But it could help the restoring of our relationship some day seem possible."
"So, what now?" Darrell finally asked when he finally found his voice.
"Well, they exhumed the body of Jane Doe for the testing. The Examiner had paid for the burial the first time. We offered to pay him for that, but he refused to take the money. The funeral home is going to cremate the remains, as we asked. We are planning to have a proper burial and funeral service next month on the Anniversary date of her disappearance. That was the day she died. June 30th. We hope all of you will come and help us celebrate her life." Aunt Karen shook out a wadded up tissue and dabbed her eyes. "Even you, Janie. We still want you to come. It is a relief to finally have closure."
YES! Janie stood to embrace whomever would except one from her. Why hadn't she came clean earlier? This closure could have happened much much sooner. It felt so great to finally have closure.
******
The day of Alexis's Memorial Service was finally here. Janie glanced around at her family members. Most of them had wet faces. Hers as well, although inside she had been crying for the past ten years. Today wasn't about regretting the past. It was about pressing on despite it. She rolled Alexis's bracelet between her fingers. The metal didn't sting her skin anymore when it touched it. Nor did it whisper Alexis's name. Janie had taken it to a jeweler to be profes-sionally cleaned. It now sparkled like new. She was going to put the bracelet in the grave with Alexis's ashes. Finally it would be buried in its proper place...with its owner.
Aunt Karen and Uncle Dave had met with the medical examiner to thank him for taking pity on what he assumed a homeless girl and had paid for her burial. He had refused their offer to pay him for his kindness. The police had released Alexis's ashes shortly after that. Detective Shaw had brought the ashes directly to Aunt Karen, having flown in from New York just for that and to attend the memorial service.
"Case Close." He said with a solemn nod.
Janie rose from her chair, as everyone trickled out from the cemetery. She slowly approached the polished head stone, complete with her birth and death dates. She dropped Alexis's bracelet into the freshly dug grave down past her urn. The bracelet was in the ground for the second time in its life. This time as she buried it, the fear was gone. This time she only felt peace.
"Goodbye, little cousin. I love you and will miss you."
E P I L O G U E
Two years later Janie is standing at the top of a rocky ledge, watching the crashing waves hit the rocks in the ocean hundreds of feet below. This ledge is the one she believes Alexis slipped and fell to her death from. That is why she came here to speak to Alexis one last time.
"It's a GIRL! We're naming her Alexis after you of course. I used to panic at the sound of your name. That panic is gone and now we are naming our first child after you! If you were here with me, I hope that would make you proud. God has really changed everything about my life." Happy tears slowly ran down her cheeks.
She isn't alone. Dan is there with her. No way would he let her come out here alone, especially with her expecting their first child. He was throwing pebbles into the ocean from the beach. They'd just celebrated their twelveth anniversary. Their marriage couldn't be better.
He'd been attending church with her and he had taken another position in the company he worked for that didn't require him to travel. Pastor Johnson, who took Pastor Bryan's place at the church, had accepted them into his flock.
Dan was motioning for her to come down. They were on their way to dinner with her parents and Aunt Karen and Uncle Dave who had just returned from their second Honeymoon to celebrate.
She didn't miss the hectic life at the magazine one bit! She was now self-employed. She had started her own business. Once she had adjusted to staying at home, she actually like the solitude and having flexible hours. The flexible hours would be very helpful once Alexis Grace Williams was born in about three months.
As she stepped onto the sandy beach, Dan reached for her hand and tucked it in his. He planted a kiss on her temple. "You ready?"
Janie took one last look around promising herself to return and take baby Alexis here at least once a year and tell her all about her cousin Alexis, who she was named after. They would look for shells and sand dollars on the beach. About 12 years ago something very tragic had happened here. But God had redeemed her from that awful memory and placed her in a position to live out the rest of her life in peace! What a wonderful feeling. Praise God!
She turned and looked into her husband's eyes, "Yes, I'm Ready!" She was thinking of all the good and happy memories her and her little family would make on this very beach. She was So Ready!
T H E E N D
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