Today's Journal Entry

Good afternoon one and all.  I had started my journal entry for today and had gotten a lot of my thoughts down.  It was looking good.  Guess what happened?  Some how I deleted it all.  Now I am starting over.  Maybe there is a reason for that, but I sure cannot see it at the moment.  All those thoughts that came to mind I probably will never remember again.  Ugh.

My husband and I had planned on driving down to the Church campgrounds for a work day.  The new kitchen and dining hall project has begun.  Announcements had been posted on the Dover Camp face book page asking those who had heavy equipment that they could bring to the campgrounds to be used to start the sub floor to bring the equipment on down.  The Oklahoma Conference Board is trying to keep costs down by asking for the loan of equipment and not having to rent it.  I pray the equipment showed up that was needed. Please keep this project in your prayers.

I have been soul searching this past week about friendships.  I have had a few over the years that I felt were truly long term friendships.  Ones that would last til the end of the earth.  I truly believe at one time I had such a friendship with a few certain ones.  Looking back I see they didn't last.  Life changes, priorities change and so do circumstances and people.  I began to wonder, how did the other party see and feel about our relationship?  Was I a good friend, or just one they tolerated?  I have had these thoughts before and they can really bring a person down.  Remembering some things and how I reacted to the situation does not make me happy with myself.

The one friendship I truly believed would last ended this year because of me and my insecurities.  I truly do not know how that friendship lay's at this time.  I wish I had done things differently than the way I feel I sabotaged it.  I became paranoid about were they truly my friends?  I felt I was the only one keeping the friendship going.  We both had our own families and struggles, that took up most of the time we used to have to keep in touch.  I could go into more detail, but I do not feel the need to at this time.  It seemed to get longer and longer between emails from her.  She fought for years to still write letters instead of composing them on the computer.  Funny thing is, we hardly ever called each other.  Most of the events we shared through letters.  She always seemed to busy to keep in touch or to want to keep in touch.  I was feeling very left out.  This had happened once before.  Back in about 1985 when her daughter got married it had been about 10 years since we had seen each other.  My husband and I surprised her and showed up at the wedding.  She was in shock.  Bad part is at a wedding is not the time nor the place to catch up on things in our lives.  I went home very down and disappointed.  I met a friend of hers at the wedding and it seemed she was now her best friend.  I felt I had been replaced.

Keeping in touch became harder and harder.  She hardly ever responded to my emails. The first part of this year we had been talking about the past class reunion I attended in September of 2017.  It was our 45 year reunion.  She never had a desire to go to the first one that was planned at the time of our 10 year reunion.  Definitely not interested in attending our 40th that was hosted by a classmate Kathy Baker McMains in September of 2011. I was telling her about the one I had just attended.  She got upset with me and said some mean things to me because I chose to share the event with her.  I was shocked.  Where was all of this anger coming from?  I know she had no desire to see any of our classmates ever again.  Now remember this is 45 years later from high school.  A lot of years to hold hard feelings against others.

The more I thought about what had happened between us the more I felt our close long time friendship was at an end.  I had been having emotional problems with others also.  I felt so alone. I began questioning all my past friendships.  On occasion I still question my past friendships.  Were they truly as close from both sides, or just my side?  By this time I felt I did not have a true friend and possibly never had one.  I kept questioning if they were truly my friends or just put up with me. The conclusion I came to, was not a happy one.  I got upset and felt so alone, I sent an email to Patsy and told her that I felt she no longer wanted to be in touch.  I felt she no longer was interested in still being my best friend.  I felt she no longer had the time or wanted to put any effort into our friendship.

I emailed her a long letter and told her about my feelings.  I told her I would no longer keep in touch with her through email.  If she wanted to still be friends and keep in touch it would be up to her.  I never heard from her again.  Only a month later, I was not happy with the decision I had made.  I truly missed hearing from my long time best friend and sister.  I sent her a second email asking her to forgive me.  The only reply I got was I will always keep you and your family in my prayers. She never once said how she truly felt or if she accepted my apology.  I am to impulsive when I get hurt.  I lash out and think later.  I have truly lost my sister and best friend.  I doubt it will ever be the same.  I am not sure I will ever hear from her again.  I have on occasion sent her an email about something happening in my life, such as my diagnoses of breast cancer.  I think I emailed her the date of my operation and asked her to pray for my healing.  I am not positive of that.

I do not know what lies ahead for me and a true friendship.  I do not see one that close ever happening again.  God and Christ should be sufficient.  Please pray for peace for me.

*Starlight*

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