"TO MY FELLOW BLOGGERS"
Hello fellow bloggers. It has been a while since I have posted much. I now have a way to use the internet at home without having my own service. I just don't like to use it much. My daughter has a laptop that I can use with a wireless connection. Our neighbors have wireless internet access and doesn't mind us using it. I cannot get the connection on my pc. I am too far away. My daughter's room is closer to the neighbor's house and connection. So here I sit in her cluttered room, using her laptop to post.
I don't really know what I am going to post today. I don't have a clear picture of what I want to write about. I have been going through a very emotional time. I have went off a medication I had been taking for depression for about 6 years. I had tried it before and went right back on. This time I was determined to get off and stay off and try to deal with my depression with God's help. I felt God had led me to use the medication in the first place, so I would be a decent person to live with. My poor family. But then when I went off this time, I felt as if my family wasn't helping me. I still think that for the most part. It's hard for me to put in words what I am feeling. Plus the fact that my concentration and memory or worse. It takes me a while to put into words my thoughts and people get impatient with me. I then get upset and raise my voice. Then the fight is on. It seems to me like everyone is against me and pushing me around. I get upset with that and blow up. I am then blamed for starting the whole thing. I feel like a nobody.
I some times think I should have stayed single. I feel I have made my family's life misserable and I have no life. Everyone else has the choice of what they want to do. I don't feel I have the same choice. My life evolves around everyone elses. Everyone else expects me to take care of their demands and feelings and not be concerned with my own. When I talk to someone about this, they seem to think I am the one thinking everyone is against me, when it is me with the problem. I guess I need to keep my mouth shut and not talk to anyone about anything. That way I cannot be blamed for the arguing. That is hard for me. I get excited about something or someone and want to share my news. No one really wants to hear. They are only interested in me hearing theirs! Like I said I am a nobody.
In feeling this way, I feel I am failing God. I don't mean or want to, but that is the way I feel. I pray about this problem all the time. Then I get depressed and don't want to attend church. But when I miss church, I feel bad about that. It is just a vicious circle. I know God will take care of it in his time. I had really been down about my previous problem that I felt God was pusing to the limit and I felt I was about to go crazy with worry. I kept telling myself God is in control and will take care of it. Finally things are looking up in that situation. Now he needs to help me get a job. I am selling Avon and that helps a lot, but I need a steady income. It doesn't have to be a full time job, but a weekly income. I was pretty up about one place I had put in my application and felt pretty good about being hired. That is at a stand still now. Probably by the time they hire anyone, they will have thrown out my application. What am I to do? God needs to show me the way once more.
I had intended to get on here and write a little of my feelings down to get it out of my system. I was then going to post other things, but now I do not feel prepared for that. I need to get busy and post some more family history on the James Line. I am pretty sure one of the relatives working on this has found our link to Frank and Jesse James the Out-Laws. Hurrah! I thought I had found it about a year ago and the connection they found is in the same line I thought it was. The only problem is, we do not have verification on this. It is just an assumption. For many years the family members doing research on this line thought Grandpa Melton's name was Harvey Melton. Now the ones who have found the link believe his name to be Thomas Melton James. But then there is a snag to this. We had always been told he was born in Kentucky in 1851. The researchers now believe his name is Thomas Melton James and was born in 1852. They have found one of his sons obits that says he and his mom and dad were born in Mississippi. I am thinking they have the wrong Ollie James's information. I don't know how to verify this. Maybe the researchers will find out in time. I just know my husband's grandpa always told him that they were cousins to the out-laws. Some family members still living remembers the boys coming to stay with the family in the Cookson Hills of Oklahoma. Rick's grandpa said his dad played with the boys when they were young. I just wish the familly had kept records of this.
Time to say goodbye. I need to eat lunch and do a little house cleaning. I don't need to be on the computer all day. Have a good week and God Bless!
Starlight*
I don't really know what I am going to post today. I don't have a clear picture of what I want to write about. I have been going through a very emotional time. I have went off a medication I had been taking for depression for about 6 years. I had tried it before and went right back on. This time I was determined to get off and stay off and try to deal with my depression with God's help. I felt God had led me to use the medication in the first place, so I would be a decent person to live with. My poor family. But then when I went off this time, I felt as if my family wasn't helping me. I still think that for the most part. It's hard for me to put in words what I am feeling. Plus the fact that my concentration and memory or worse. It takes me a while to put into words my thoughts and people get impatient with me. I then get upset and raise my voice. Then the fight is on. It seems to me like everyone is against me and pushing me around. I get upset with that and blow up. I am then blamed for starting the whole thing. I feel like a nobody.
I some times think I should have stayed single. I feel I have made my family's life misserable and I have no life. Everyone else has the choice of what they want to do. I don't feel I have the same choice. My life evolves around everyone elses. Everyone else expects me to take care of their demands and feelings and not be concerned with my own. When I talk to someone about this, they seem to think I am the one thinking everyone is against me, when it is me with the problem. I guess I need to keep my mouth shut and not talk to anyone about anything. That way I cannot be blamed for the arguing. That is hard for me. I get excited about something or someone and want to share my news. No one really wants to hear. They are only interested in me hearing theirs! Like I said I am a nobody.
In feeling this way, I feel I am failing God. I don't mean or want to, but that is the way I feel. I pray about this problem all the time. Then I get depressed and don't want to attend church. But when I miss church, I feel bad about that. It is just a vicious circle. I know God will take care of it in his time. I had really been down about my previous problem that I felt God was pusing to the limit and I felt I was about to go crazy with worry. I kept telling myself God is in control and will take care of it. Finally things are looking up in that situation. Now he needs to help me get a job. I am selling Avon and that helps a lot, but I need a steady income. It doesn't have to be a full time job, but a weekly income. I was pretty up about one place I had put in my application and felt pretty good about being hired. That is at a stand still now. Probably by the time they hire anyone, they will have thrown out my application. What am I to do? God needs to show me the way once more.
I had intended to get on here and write a little of my feelings down to get it out of my system. I was then going to post other things, but now I do not feel prepared for that. I need to get busy and post some more family history on the James Line. I am pretty sure one of the relatives working on this has found our link to Frank and Jesse James the Out-Laws. Hurrah! I thought I had found it about a year ago and the connection they found is in the same line I thought it was. The only problem is, we do not have verification on this. It is just an assumption. For many years the family members doing research on this line thought Grandpa Melton's name was Harvey Melton. Now the ones who have found the link believe his name to be Thomas Melton James. But then there is a snag to this. We had always been told he was born in Kentucky in 1851. The researchers now believe his name is Thomas Melton James and was born in 1852. They have found one of his sons obits that says he and his mom and dad were born in Mississippi. I am thinking they have the wrong Ollie James's information. I don't know how to verify this. Maybe the researchers will find out in time. I just know my husband's grandpa always told him that they were cousins to the out-laws. Some family members still living remembers the boys coming to stay with the family in the Cookson Hills of Oklahoma. Rick's grandpa said his dad played with the boys when they were young. I just wish the familly had kept records of this.
Time to say goodbye. I need to eat lunch and do a little house cleaning. I don't need to be on the computer all day. Have a good week and God Bless!
Starlight*
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